THE WHITE TIGER: NO LONGER CONFUSED IN CONNECTION - The 7 Core Pains
Understanding the Confuddling of Connection by Fear
Confusion ends where understanding begins.
Insecurity in Connection
What is it? What is the thing that makes Connection, or the inability to achieve it, so powerful? How can it be something that has the ability to totally unsettle us - disturb our peace - internal and external?
How can an experience that feels like a fumbled Connection, ruin your day or your week? So much so, that you burn time and mental calories rerunning the scenario as you wish that it had unfolded. Desperately feeling the need to somehow rectify the perception of you now believed to be held by the person(s) with whom you had the awkward engagement.
This is called Insecurity.
Insecurity: uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence - the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.
What does it mean to not feel secure? It means feeling unsafe, exposed, at risk.
Feeling unsafe automatically, on the level of the 90 percent (The Foundation Series-Part 1, The F-Word), precipitates the engagement of Fight Flight Freeze - in short…incites Fear.
Insecurity is the absence of Safety. Insecurity is Fear.
The Cause of Insecurity in Connection
If Insecurity is Fear, than what exactly is/are the Fear or Fears? Where is the feeling of Risk coming from? What creates the Fear that manifests as Insecurity?
Rewind to the material covered at the very beginning of The White Tiger. Fear is the primary driver for human thoughts, actions and behaviors, because all of our thoughts, actions, and behaviors are created to accomplish a single purpose…Survival. Fear is the key to Survival.
This explains the Power of Connection. It is directly tied to Survival. (The Foundation Series-Part 1, The Foundation Series-Part 2, The F-Word)
It is an algorithm.
First comes insecure attachment (Risk) followed by sympathetic nervous system (Fight Flight Freeze) engagement - which must precipitate fear (that is its function), followed by our very close constant companion - Anxiety.
What are we anxious about (afraid of)? - being accepted, or rather, (fear of) not being accepted aka rejected (abandoned) based on how we believe the world (other) perceives us. Fear of rejection is so powerful it drives most human behavior. (Forgive Me Father for I have Sinned)
As covered in the F-Word, there are 7 Core Fears that drive most human behavior. These Fears were originally called the “7 Core Pains” (Shea, 1998, ISBN 0721670113) - a title which sums up the excruciating impact upon the human psyche. They are as follows:
Fear of Rejection (abandonment)
Fear of Being Alone (abandonment/Rejection)
Fear of Worthlessness (cause for abandonment/Rejection)
Fear of Failure (leading to Worthlessness and abandonment/Rejection)
Fear of the Unknown (Loss of Control [closely tied to Fear of Failure])
Fear of the Loss of External Control (particularly in Relationships/Connection)
Fear of Loss of Internal Control (loss of control over emotions and psyche, ie Self Rejection)
Let’s look back at the example offered in the beginning of this post. Ruminating over an awkward or failed connection, the angst caused, and fantasizing about a “do over” summarize these fears. A Connection not made, or not well made, is an Insecure Connection, therefore, all of the Fears leading to Rejection/abandonment are in play. This precipitates a desire for Control, or to take back lost Control, over how you are perceived (Loss of External Control) in order to restore Security in the Connection (Restoration of a Sense of Internal Control).
The Confuddling of Connection
This interplay between the Fears of Rejection/abandonment and the Fears tied to Control, or the Loss of it, are fully responsible for all of the Confusions in Connection. This is where all of the Confuddling in Connection happens. Fear creates Confusion, however it also Befuddles/Baffles, making it very hard to “see your way clear.”
This struggle between the Fear of Rejection/abandonment, which is the consummate Loss of both Internal and External Control, leads to the thoughts, behaviors and actions that are outlined in the Confusions of Connection Series.
Fear of Rejection and Loss of Control will make you Effort for Acceptance. It will keep you choosing that which is known, even if it is detrimental (The Comfort of Chaos). It will cause you to allow intrusion into your life leading to loss of your own integrity (Where I End…, Who is Accountable…). It will drive you to respond to perceived Obligation, even at great cost to your Self (The Irons of Obligation-Part 3a & 3b).
Is it not so interesting that the 7 Core Fears that drive human behavior are based in and around the dynamics of Connection? Herein lies the phenomenal power that is Connection, Secure or Insecure. Herein also lies the Root Cause, therefore the source of understanding, and thereby, the path to Resolution.