THE WHITE TIGER: THE CONFUSIONS OF CONNECTION (Part 1): The Comfort of Chaos - The Stability of Misery
The devil that I know is better than the devil that I don't...(Jacob Banks)
The Devil that I Know
“I know how to do this. I don’t know how to be happy. I have never been happy. I can’t even imagine what that is like. It would be so different that it is terrifying to me. I know this. I am unhappy, but I am comfortable.” This is a direct quote from a recent private client struggling with the decision to take medication, and participate in therapy, which could mitigate her symptoms, thereby potentially change her life. She chose the devil that she knew - unhappiness and unfulfillment. Judge her not. Her fear is well founded.
The Embrace of the Known
There are 7 Core Fears of the Human Psyche (The F-Word). The top two are Fear of Rejection and Fear of the Unknown. These two Core Fears often stand together, as a unified force, creating, what can be perceived as, an insurmountable barrier to movement, any movement, physical, emotional, and psychological.
Where there is Fear there is always contention, even battle, between Safety over Risk.
Our Survival will always be the greatest priority, even if it means the loss of our psychological and emotional well-being. The latter can be contained, compressed, boxed up, stuffed away, modified, attenuated, reduced, diminished - sacrificed.
We will do whatever is necessary to avoid having to factor in our own well-being, or bring it under consideration, if there is any perceived risk that our psychological and emotional well-being represent a threat to our survival. We will die to our own psychological and emotional well-being in order that we may live (survive) in perceived safety. Herein lies the premise for persistence in unsupportive friendships, unhappy marriages, and co-dependent relationships.
Recall Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need - Survival is directly tied to Safety & Security and Love & Belonging (The Foundation Series 1). To give one, the other, or both, up leaves you standing face to face with your two worst Fears - Rejection and The Unknown - staring into the eyes of the Devils that you do not know. The Human Psyche craves Safety. That is just a simple fact. Succumbing to Fear - Retreating from Fear - is a natural response. It is easier to remain in the embrace of the Known.
Secondary Gain
There is no true altruism. People engage in altruistic acts because it gives them something in return. It makes them feel better about themselves or gives them a sense of purpose. This is the Secondary Gain. Every decision/choice we make in this life, we make because it meets a need in us. Period. End of Sentence. For every choice, for every decision, there will always be Secondary Gain - the need that it meets for us.
The Comfort of Chaos - The Stability of Misery
“Why does she stay with him? He treats her terribly.” “Why do I stay in this friendship? I have never once felt happy or good after spending time with this person. In fact, I feel drained and emptied out. She takes, takes, takes.” “Their life is pure chaos. I don’t know how they do it. Who can live like that?” “If it is not one thing it is another, I can’t get ahead. I can’t win-Murphy’s Law.” “I can never pick a good man.”
Do people consciously choose to stay in co-dependent relationships, unhealthy friendships and unhappy marriages? No. If you look very closely into their lives you will find patterns in their relationships that are repeated over and over and over again. You will find that they dance with the Devil they know. There is stability in misery. The stability (Safety & Security/Love & Belonging) is the Secondary Gain.
You may know someone who lives in a state of pure chaos. They are a vortex of drama spinning out of control. It is often exhausting to listen to the litany of events, scenarios, relationship drama, work drama, physical complaints, etc. They say that they want life to be different, however their life is never different. It remains a tornado of chaos. Why? Because they know how to do chaos. It is where they belong. Even though it seems counterintuitive, chaos is their comfort zone. The comfort (Safety & Security/Love & Belonging) is the Secondary Gain.
On the Pain of Risk
If the client, mentioned in the opening paragraph, were to choose to accept help and attend to her own psychological and emotional well-being, she risks coming face to face with the consequences of acknowledging that she is in an unhappy marriage and is unfulfilled in her work and life roles. To the Human Psyche, this is very much staring over the edge of a great precipice. The only thing ahead is a vertical drop into the Unknown. Better to retreat into the unhappiness. Better to retreat into Safety.
On the Pain of Risk this client could not choose her own integrity. The last words spoken to her were, “Do not judge yourself. All you can do is what you feel is best for yourself at this time. Only you live in your own life and only you can choose what you need for yourself.”
Remember that every single one of us makes choices in Connection that best meet the need within our Self. We all operate by Secondary Gain. Do not Judge your Self. You are just in the midst of the Human Experience.
If you, or someone you know, struggles with Confusions in Connection, do not judge your Self or them. All any of us have ever done is the best we could at the time with the information that we had. That being said, this client is the first client that has ever had the insight, although not articulated or understood fully, that the Secondary Gain had the greater pull.
Had the client chosen to engage in therapy, even without medication, she would have learned how to reclaim her integrity, and work on her own well-being, even while standing in her current circumstances. The next two postings will look further into the Confusions of Connection, and examine how to reclaim personal integrity even in the midst of participation in unfulfilling, suboptimal, or even unhealthy relationships - be they with partner, spouse, friends, or family.