THE WHITE TIGER: THE CONFUSIONS OF CONNECTION (Part 2): Efforting for Acceptance
What do I gotta do to make you love me? What do I gotta do to make you care?...(Elton John)
Longing to Belong
How we yearn for acceptance…
Rejection - there is nothing more painful, more crippling, more soul destroying. The pain of Rejection is so great, so real, so deeply felt, we will do almost anything to avoid it. “We will die to our own psychological and emotional well-being in order that we may live (survive) in perceived safety. Herein lies the premise for persistence in unsupportive friendships, unhappy marriages, and co-dependent relationships.” (The Comfort of Chaos…)
If our life experience has taught us, at any time, under any circumstances, that we are not good enough, to any degree – we are launched into an innate and automatic response to the Rejection of our very Self. This response has a name – Survival.
Love & Belonging go hand in hand with Safety & Security. They are inextricable. It is very difficult to feel Safe and Secure without a sense of Love and Belonging. Hence, the reason for their role in the foundation of Survival in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. (The Foundation Series-1)
We are innately social beings. It is hard wired into our genes. We need tribe. We long to Belong.
“What do I gotta do to make you love me?”
Because the need to Belong is woven into the very fabric of our physical, psychological, and emotional survival, we will alter our Self to conform to tribe. We will reshape our Self to match the Expectations of Other – so that we fit in – so that we blend in – so that we feel that we have a place – so that we feel Safe – so that we feel we Belong. In so doing, we must often give something up – a little or a lot – that something is our authentic Self.
This is where we compromise our Self. This is where the exhausting, draining, life-sucking Efforting begins. This is where we lock our authentic Self in the closet and head out to go places and do things we would rather not. We spend time, go places, do things, say things, engage in conversations, attend things, that if we were being true to our authentic Self, we would not do. Yet, we take a deep breath in, and hold it until it is over, because the cost of not doing the thing that meets the Expectation of Other, would mean perceived, possible, or real Rejection. We come back from these experiences exhausted, spent, used up, unfulfilled - empty. Herein lies the Happy Face behind which lives the Unhappy Heart (Psyche).
Conforming to the Expectation of Other is the hardest psychological work you will ever do. It is pure Efforting. “What do I gotta do to make you love me? What do I gotta do to make you care?” Whatever it is – I will do it - to Belong – to be accepted – be you friend, family, partner, or spouse.
Coming Out of the Closet
How do we stand in place, stand in our present life, and find a way to let our authentic Self out of the closet?
Perhaps, the first question, maybe even the greater question, would be Why should I let my authentic Self out of the closet – particularly in the presence of such risk?
Answer: Resolving the incongruity between the Happy Face and the Unhappy Heart (Psyche) translates into balance. Balance translates into sanity. Sanity - into truly felt wholeness. Truly felt wholeness - into the total release/relief that exists in living in authenticity. Living in total release is the gateway to Happiness and Joy. It is the gateway to the restoration of the integrity of your Psyche.
What about the risk?
Answer: Once you have reconnected with your authentic Self, once you begin to welcome your authentic Self back into your life, once you begin the process of accepting your authentic Self, once you honor your authentic Self, you will begin living your authentic Self, even by just the tiniest amount at first.
Once you begin living your authentic Self, you will have a new kind of awareness. In this awareness you begin to make choices for your authentic Self. It does not mean uprooting your life or relationships. It simply means finding the boundary where you begin, and Other ends. This may all smell like risk, however in practice, actually, it increases the health of existing relationships.
Coming out of the closet means that you get to live life habiting your own skin. There is no attire that is more comfortable.
The Boundary
The boundary where you begin, and the other ends, is simply embracing reality. You are your Self. You are not the Other.
However, the Boundary gets blurry in the presence of that tricky little word – Obligation. Obligation is often a stumbling block, even a full scale barrier, when seeking the life lived as your authentic Self.
Because this is such a significant issue, and creates such Confusion in Connection, we will explore The Irons of Obligation.