THE WHITE TIGER: CRITICAL TOOLS FOR CONNECTION - ...But Why?
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. - attributed to Victor Frankl
The Bane of “But”
But is used to connect ideas that contrast.
The secret to Connection and Communication are Flow and Exchange, precipitated by Curiousity.
The Bane of But is that it introduces the contrasting view…ie the opposing view. It is anti-flow.
In Connection and Communication But negates all that came before. It cancels it out. It invalidates the idea/thought/offering and in so doing, the person whose idea or offering it was is also, innately, invalidated (diminished).
But is the hidden “I.” It is the singular perspective. It is declarative. It innately states, “I disagree,” aka your idea or perspective is wrong.
Examples:
That is a great idea, but I was thinking this… (that was not a great idea, I have a much better one)
You look nice, but that shirt is not working with the outfit…(you do not look nice, I will tell you what looks nice, as you do not appear to know)
I have read this literature, but in my experience, I have found that…(I disagree with what I have read. I have a much better understanding.)
Replacing “But”
utilize and or also - That is a great idea, and/also there is this thought to consider…
utilize another option - You are looking well. Another option might be a blue shirt - that might really stand out - would you be willing to try it on and see what that looks like?
utilize however - It is understood that there is published literature around the use of the Word “I,” as well as the Word “you,” when to use them, and in what context. However, the more that “I” is Deselected in Communication…
The Antagnoism of “Why”
Why is a word that works well in Science, and definitive requests for explanations of how something works, ie…Every discussion will be designed to answer the perturbing question, of -“Why?” (from the first Post of The White Tiger - It is Time)
Outside of these contexts, Why is innately interpreted as directly confrontational. Why automatically puts the receiving party on the defense, even if it is something benign.
Examples:
Why are you wearing that sweater?
Why are you doing that?
Why…?
…But, Why?
Why, in the context of Connection and Communication, is a mandated request (demand) for justification of your behavior or your response. A defensive, “because,” followed by a sometimes flustered and guarded attempt to explain, will be the result. Why does not facilitate Flow and Exchange, it facilitates antagonism.
Replacing “Why”
Were you in a “sweater mood” this morning?
Tell me what you are up to/what is going on/happening?
What are your thoughts?
Where do you see it going from here?
What do you see as the potential outcome?
The Space in Between
The quote attributed to Victor Frankl is worth repeating here. Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
In this sacred space, between processing incoming information, and constructing our outgoing response, lies the freedom to choose Connection, or it’s antithesis.
Taking a pause to construct a response, having Deselected 3 tiny little words, “I” “Why” and “But” from your vocabulary, will allow you to become the person in the room that facilitates the constructive Exchange and Flow of ideas, permitting all parties to be listened to, heard, seen, and understood. You will create Positive and Successful Connection/Communication and everyone’s needs will be met, including yours.
Reminder: All offerings in the Connection/Communication series have a foundation in the Energetic Transfer of Words and INtention versus EXpectation.
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The White Tiger is written sequentially. To gain the greatest understanding it is recommended, and helpful, to read The White Tiger beginning with the original post forward. All preceding posts can be accessed by clicking this link https://substack.com/@thewhitetiger