THE WHITE TIGER: THE CONFUSIONS OF CONNECTION (Part 3a) - The Irons of Obligation
The Outside In
“A Sense of Obligation”
How many things have you done, within the context of Connection and Relationships, that had you been given the option, would have chosen not to do? How many tedious lunches, uncomfortable holidays, excruciatingly long office parties, draining phone conversations, time spent doing things that took pieces of your life, pieces of you?… Why?
Why do we do things for “appearances,” for “the sake” of the relationship, to make “Other” happy? What is the cost for that? Something? Nothing? There is a cost. It is the compromise of the integrity of your authentic Self. Why do we make these choices? We make them out of a “sense of Obligation.”
What a powerful concept - Obligation. What does it mean “to be Obligated?” Let’s begin with definitions.
The root of the word Obligation is Oblige.
Oblige: make (someone) legally or morally bound (to bind) to an action or course of action.
do as (someone) asks or desires in order to help or please them.
be indebted or grateful.
BIND (someone) by an oath, promise, or contract.
Bind: tie or fasten (something) tightly.
be hampered or constrained by
impose a legal or contractual obligation on
Make, Bound, Bind (Bond), Be Indebted, Tie Tightly, Be Hampered, Constrained…these are words that describe Bondage.
Bondage: Slavery or Serfdom
servitude or subjugation to a controlling person or force
No Option to Opt Out
Inductively and deductively, Obligation is the absence of Option. It is the complete perception (belief) that there is no other open possibility or course of action. Obligation is a MUST do. You CANNOT Opt Out. You are Obligated.
Obligation is a form of servitude, involuntary restraint…perhaps, even, imprisonment.
I have to…
I have no choice…
I cannot refuse or decline…
I have no other option…
I must…
The Confusions of Obligation
Within the perception of Obligation lies one of the BIGGEST conundrums aka Confusions in Connection.
For the purposes of this discussion, legal obligation will not be addressed. However, moral obligation, or stated differently, what we perceive (believe) to be moral obligation, is very much on the table.
Hmmm…here we are, yet again, navigating perception/belief. The question is…are we navigating Conditioned Belief? That which has been installed, instilled, uploaded into our Psyche by Society and Culture (Root Cause). If so…
If our belief system around Obligation is a moral CONSTRUCT, a CONCEPT, a CONDITIONED BELIEF, what exactly is the level of its merit? Is it merely illusion? Does the Universe mandate any moral, or, for that matter, legal, Obligations?
When everything is distilled down, put through the smallest gauge sifter, what is Obligation, really? Obligation is a formalization of EXPECTATION. Obligations are perceived “non-negotiable,” mandatory, Expectations - stated clearly or implied. Expectations are Obligations. Obligations are Expectations.
Perceived Obligations in Connection
So, what are the perceived, “non-negotiable,” mandatory Expectations in Connection/Relationships?
Ask yourself - what things do you do, that you would much rather not, infrequently or daily, because the doing of it is connected to maintaining a relationship, and not “fulfilling the Obligation” leads to Risk of Consequences - the primary one being Rejection, or more correctly, Fear of it.
Fear is both the greatest paralyzer and the greatest motivator of the Human Psyche. It is the “warden” in charge of the shackles and the ball and chain.
How did we get here, individually and collectively…bound - chained to the Expectations of Others under the guise of (perceived) Obligation?
We got here because we have been taught that choosing not to honor perceived Obligation, will lead to significant Consequences (Punishment). What is involuntary restraint, being bound (physical, psychological, emotional), except imprisonment - the ultimate Punishment?
The Question of Consequences (Punishment)
What are the consequences of, or what is the punishment for, choosing NOT to be Obligated? What are the consequences of saying “I Opt Out,” “Pass,” “Not today,” “No.”
The consequence is the Risk of Rejection - and ALL that it implies.
Rejection is communicated via anger, frustration, disgust, unkind words, diatribes, piercing words, and the most powerful of all…silence.
“She is not talking to me right now.” “He won’t answer my texts.” “We have not spoken in a week, month(s), year(s).” She will not answer my calls.” “He has stopped all communication.”
Why is Silence such a Powerful way of communicating Rejection? It is the perfect manifestation of Abandonment (the ultimate Fear of the Human Psyche) - that is exactly what Rejection is after all - the death sentence in the natural world. Silence is terminal. Silence is the end of something - the death of something.
Silence also most effectively communicates the reason for the Rejection - you are not worthy - you are not good enough. Your Self has been Rejected.
What is the emotional response of the Human Psyche to Rejection? Shame.
Shame is the emotional manifestation of Guilt. Shame and guilt, guilt and shame…they are inextricable. This is the Consequence (Punishment) of Opting Out of Obligation.
What better tool is there to Obliterate any sense of Choice?
The Outside In
How can Obligation hold such Power?
The need to please…what do I gotta do to make you love me? What do I gotta do to make you care? (Elton John). Here we are, right back at Efforting for Acceptance.
Are you Obligated to go to the office party? No, you are not. Whether or not you choose to go is based in the desire to please Other in order to avoid Rejection. Are you Obligated to remain in a friendship that is not reciprocal or healthy? No, you are not. Whether or not you choose to remain in the friendship is based in the desire to please Other in order to avoid Rejection. Are you Obligated to remain in a partnership with someone who diminishes you in any way? No, you are not. Whether or not you choose to remain in the partnership is based in the desire to please Other in order to avoid Rejection. Are you Obligated to spend the holidays with your family, even though it means prolonged misery? No you are not. Whether or not you choose to spend time with family is based in the desire to please Other in order to avoid Rejection.
This is living from the Outside In. Always looking and watching Other for signs of Acceptance or Rejection. Always looking Outside of your Self for validation. Validation of what? Validation that you are good enough.
Obligation is a CHOSEN belief/perception. It has no more permanence than a change in thought.
Obligation only has the Power THAT WE GIVE TO IT. It ONLY has this Power when we live from The Outside In.
What is the Remedy? Living from the Inside Out.