THE WHITE TIGER: THE CONFUSIONS OF CONNECTION: Where I End and You Begin...(Radiohead)
"Good fences make good neighbors."- Robert Frost
‘Why do they make good neighbors?…
Before I built a wall I’d ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.’ - Mending Wall by Robert Frost
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Fences
What is it about a fence that is perceived as/feels negative?
It is denial of access. It is the innate draw towards the forbidden. It is the perceived or real absence of control.
What is it about a fence that is perceived as/feels positive?
It offers protection. It preserves that which it encompasses. It prevents uninvited disruption and chaos. It offers safety and some sense of security. It maintains the integrity of what lies within.
The Psychological Fence
Many there are who dislike, and even loathe, psychological fences, and want them down. Within our lives, we have people who would plow them under, and run rough shod over our integrity, and our lives, rummaging, pillaging, taking, taking and taking, until our psychological landscape is barren, burnt, decimated, scarred, devoid of resources.
The primary purpose of a psychological fence is not to keep these people out, it is to maintain the integrity of what lies within. The integrity of you, of your SELF.
The Trespassers
Who are these Trespassers, who would trample our peaceful gardens?
Very often, they are people to whom you feel the most Obligated - your blood, your kin, your long term friends and relationships, your parents, your spouse, your partner, yes - even your child.
Obligation becomes both the tractor and the plow that turns under any attempt(s) at the building of psychological fences. Hence the amount of time and text given to the subject of Obligation (The Irons of Obligation -Part 3a and Part 3b). Herein lies the Confusion in the Connection.
Permission to Enter
You do not have control over the people who would help themselves to a feast upon the marrow of your bones, who would consume all of your resources. You do not have control over their behaviors, their actions, their intentions. You can effort to total, utter, and complete exhaustion, and you will change no Other person. It cannot be done.
You do have control over how you respond to those who would only take from you, and leave nothing in return. You have complete control over managing your response.
THE healthiest response is to build a fence around the Integrity of your SELF, and demand from those who wish to consume you, Permission to Enter.
Terms of Engagement
Building a fence takes time, and practice. A fence is built one post and one board at a time. Each post, each board, is the act of setting firmly into the ground - Terms of Engagement. These terms will help you immensely in protecting your psychological gardens, your inner resources, your private peaceful paradise, your integrity - the Integrity of your Authentic Self.
The First Posthole
How to begin?
Begin with the first Posthole.
In the example offered in The Irons of Obligation (Part 3b), my friend, out of Obligation, had decided to give her mother her time once a week or every other week. This was her first Posthole - setting the first Post. Decreasing the amount of access, therefore, exposure. After the first Posthole was dug, my friend had time and space to consider how good it felt not having to be subject to the incredibly negative energy that occurred with each interaction. She subsequently dug a second Posthole -set the second Post - and put up the first board. She decided that she would give her mother her time once a month. She went on to dig the third Posthole - setting the third Post, after she determined that even once a month was even giving more than she could tolerate, and moved it out to every 2-3 months. She put up more boards, and no longer responds to texts immediately. Instead will wait up to 48 hours before responding to the “urgent” texts that were simply “set ups” to take and to take and to take.
A fence does not appear in the course of one day. It is built one Post and one board at a time. Choosing to dig that first Posthole is the beginning of the restoration of the Integrity of your SELF - your Authentic Self.
Where I End and You Begin
When there are no stops, no breaks, no protections between our SELF and the Other Self - the lines of differential become very very blurred. It becomes difficult, sometimes even impossible, to determine our individual needs and wishes, as they become dissolved, buried, drowned beneath the need of the Other - particularly in the environment of a “sense of Obligation.” We can no longer distinguish us from them, and them from us. We can no longer discern Self from Other Self. This can be described as many many things, however it cannot be described as balanced, or psychologically healthy, as it is the antithesis of these things.
To be balanced and psychologically healthy, you must understand “Where I End and You Begin.” This is meeting at the Fence line.
This is the mature understanding of accountability…