THE WHITE TIGER: THE CONFUSIONS OF CONNECTION - Who is Accountable for What, and to Whom?
The Blame and Shame Game
Ahhh…accountability - within the context of maintaining psychological integrity in relationships. Here is an under discussed topic.
Accountability is next level processing that follows upon, and is the outflow of, the discussion of Obligation. It is “Where I End and You Begin…(Radiohead)” Master’s level. It is “the other half” of the conversation.
Oh, the things that we have been Conditioned to Believe…
Accountability/Responsibility
Accountability: the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.
Responsibility: the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone. — the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.
Amazing that an investigation of accountability can lead directly to the topic of blame — therefore, shame.
The Blame and Shame Game
Why did I take my very broken mother into my home and endure her abuse?
Why did my friend expose herself over and over again to her mother’s psychological abuse?
We both felt accountable/responsible. This is our parent, therefore abandoning them is not an option, correct?
We feel badly for the things that they had to endure, so it is up to us to be there for them, to support them, to try to make it right, correct?
Here is where we lose our perspective. Here is where we are acting out of Conditioned Belief. Here is where we sacrifice the integrity of our Self out of Obligation, leaving us wounded and limping. Here is where the intergenerational/transgenerational trauma has access to the pathway of perpetuation. We do not feel that we can walk away. We feel that we have to stay. What makes us stay?
If you “break” an Obligation, if you do not want to accept something deemed as a Responsiblity — what emotion do you feel? Guilt. Guilt is Shame. Shame and Guilt only exist in the presence of Blame. The Blame comes from within and without.
The conversation of Obligation and Accountability/Responsibility dissolves into the Blame and Shame Game.
Save Your Self
I did not wound my mother. I did not break her. My friend did not wound her mother. She did not break her. We did not do it. We are not accountable. We are not responsible.
My mother never got psychological help, nor did my friend’s mother. It does not matter that generationally it was not done, that is not on us either.
Both of our mother’s remain broken. Neither of us are to Blame - end of story.
The conversation does not have to extend beyond the realization that we are not accountable for their pain and suffering. We cannot help them. We cannot change them. We cannot save them.
Every single person is accountable for a single thing - that is the integrity of their Self, or the absence of it. Every single person must save their own Self.
Get help, don’t get help. It is up to the individual Self. All that you can do, as someone who cares about the other is stand, at the Fence line, and point. You cannot do the choosing for the Other Self. This is true for your blood, your kin, your long term friends and relationships, your parents, your spouse, your partner, and yes - even your child. You can only do the choosing for the Integrity of your own Self, whatever that means.
Whatever that means, is whatever you need to do - no Guilt - no Blame - no Shame. Anything that you do to preserve the integrity of your Self is the correct decision. How many people are pulled under and drown trying to save someone else who is drowning? You are better off standing on solid ground throwing a life preserver to them. Then you both have a chance.
The Universe will not judge you for the preservation of your Self. There is no Blame. There is no Shame. Saving your Self is the correct action to take, whatever that means.