THE WHITE TIGER: MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL...
The Keys to Psychological Freedom - The First Skill
The Next Step
The First Key to Psychological Freedom is the Cessation of the Judgement of Self/Self-Judgement. New Learning, gaining new Wisdom and Understanding, turns the key in the lock of the door to Psychological Freedom, however that is not enough.
The natural question that follows the understanding, that Cessation of the Judgement of Self is of primary importance to a life lived in Psychological Freedom is, “How do I do that?”
Doing is the application of the new Wisdom and Understanding. Doing opens the door. It is the next step. It is taking action. It is the part where change happens. You get to live life differently. You get to live a different life. You get to live free.
However, there is another critical element that is both understanding and action which MUST precede all other action to mitigate the Judgement of Self. This is best understood by telling a story.
“The Art of the Toast”
A lovely friend of mine has written a book titled “The Sober Lush.” It is a book that is less about living in sobriety than it is about LIVING - about joie de vie. It is a collection of short stories and anecdotes, one of which is titled “The Art of the Toast.”
The story therein pertains to a toast at a party. My friend, in her sobriety, did not have the option to participate in the toast using alcohol. Subsequently, the following interaction transpired.
“At a dinner party in the Hamptons, Jardine was about to toast with everyone, and an older man in a cashmere sweater across the table looked down his nose and waved her away with his long tan manicured hand. Not you, it’s bad luck to toast with water. You know what else is bad luck, sir? she thought. Being a dick. And thus she raised her glass to him.”
Are You My Mirror?
The first way we respond to the pain of rejection is to strike back. When Other has made us feel small, inadequate, not good enough, we will kick them in the shins.
It is a normal natural reaction. It comes out of the Fight in Fight Flight Freeze. Pain always induces Fight Flight Freeze, it never precipitates Calm & Relax.
The only way Other can make us feel this way is if we believe we are this way. Other reflects back (mirrors) what we believe ourselves to be, small, inadequate, not good enough. It is the judgement that we have already passed on our Self.
If we do not believe that we are small, inadequate, not good enough, broken - if we believe that we are awesome, good, beautiful, cool, and lovely - there would be zero impact from the judgement of Other. Their blows can never land, because there is no place for them to land.
Awakening Awareness
Awakening to the Awareness that we react, not to what Other has done or is doing to us, but to how it makes us feel about our SELF, which validates our Self Judgement.
The simple story in “The Toast” is a beautiful example of what plays out in our engagement with Other every day. It is the person that we don’t like and can’t get along with. Why? If you stop to look, if you pause to consider, what you do not like about someone, distilled down to it’s essence, is how they make you feel about your SELF.
Awakening to the Awareness that we react negatively to Other ONLY because they mirror our Self Judgements back to us. Once we become Aware that what we do, any time that we engage with other, is to REACT to our SELF reflected back, we can begin to find the place/the point to apply the skills and tools, the doing, that leads to Psychological Freedom.
The First Skill
A great exercise over this next week, to begin doing (practicing is doing), is to practice Awareness of your engagement with Other. Begin to notice, to see, to recognize, that our responses/reactions to Other are predicated upon, reflective of, how we see our SELF.
Each time you feel yourself reacting to Other, ask yourself why you are reacting in this or that way, positive or negative. A negative reaction will come from a negative reflection of SELF. A positive reaction will come from a positive reflection of SELF. You can say out loud, or in your own mind, “that (interaction/person) made me feel good about my SELF, or that (interaction/person) made me feel about badly about my SELF.”
Practicing and gaining the skill of Awareness will illuminate, with Stadium lights, our struggles involved in connection, both with Other, but firstly, with SELF. Combined with the Wisdom and Understanding already learned from reading The White Tiger, it will shed light on the perpetuation of SELF Judgement. This, in turn, gives a concrete starting point whereby the practice of Cessation of SELF Judgement can begin, and the door to Connecting to SELF begins to open.
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The White Tiger is written sequentially. To gain the greatest understanding it is recommended, and helpful, to read The White Tiger beginning with the original post forward. All preceding posts can be accessed by clicking this link https://substack.com/@thewhitetiger